Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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