yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize