I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
