possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
