the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
