She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
