I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
