worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
