I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
