I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
