Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
