OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
