Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
