The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Found your dick twin last night
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
