genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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