i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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