Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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