i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
