he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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