Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
