I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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