all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize