Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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