You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
