Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize