Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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