dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
