after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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