u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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