His pubic hair was longer than his dick
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
