You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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