this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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