dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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