rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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