I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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