got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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