Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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