I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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