I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
