I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
false alarm. still invincible.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
