so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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