The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
