Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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