i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
