I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
