got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
and she was petting her beer can
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
