my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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