My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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