Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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