so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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