Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
