I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
