I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
