It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
